Adventures of a Maude in Training

Woke up siiiick (stomach). Stayed in bed for a long time. In the afternoon I got up and joined ptor in the garage for some serious cleaning. I finally went through bags and bags of crap and have four more huge bags of stuff to go to goodwill and one bag of clothes to bring in the house and a much smaller bag of old clothes that can be used for costumes. I also found some of catzen's clothes and got those sorted out so I can give them back to him.

Then came the bad part of the day.

I pulled out a box of 3.5 diskettes I have been hauling around from move to move since 2000. All I knew that it was stuff from my and my ex-husband's computer. I tossed the ones that clearly had no purpose or personal information (such as ancient applications and rescue disks) and brought the rest in the house to go through and sort into chuck, destroy and keep piles. There were a few I was interested in keeping that had old writings of mine. There are far more I will be destroying and never want to see the contents of again. Piles of old saved email. Things that reminded me of nothing good. Whenever I come across this stuff I try to look for clues about what the hell was going on with my ex. Nothing really there except all his cheating which I have long since found out about. What really hurt, and I mean really hurt was looking at old emails between me and my ex when were were much younger and in love. It literally made me sick to me stomach. I wasn't prepared for that. I hardly read any of them as it becomes too painful. Even the day-to-day stuff from our marriage was just too weird to look at. I lived it and its horrible aftermath and am done with it. The other stuff that hurt was old emails from ptor, back in our first disastrous relationship attempt (1997). It hurts to see what a shit he was and how stupid I was (and, yes, he is fine with me posting this, and in fact has encouraged it--this is not a passive-aggresive or indirect communication thing). I was so quick to try to be "understanding" and "accepting" I couldn't even see how I was being shit on. And to see my stupidity in opening my house and heart to too many people thinking their offers of "friendship" were genuine when in reality they were using me to get closer to the men in my life--that just stings. I should have seen it and been a stronger person. I am no innocent victim--I made a series of very bad choices that led to very bad consequences. I am aware of that. I did thoughtless and stupid things myself and didn't understand the magnitude of those decisions and actions then. All that hurts. Being reminded of that time hurts. I often wish I could make it go away even though I know I can't.

The good that came of this is that the disks are sorted and I have some of my previously lost writing back. And I finally have that box of stuff from my former marriage cleaned out. Slowly but surely the ghosts are being exorcised. In all my post-divorce moves a lot of my ex's stuff just got parked in storage because I didn't even know what was in all the boxes anymore. ptor did a major and thorough clean of everything ex-related (for him) when we moved in together. Prior to that, when he was moving out of their former residence, he and I did a big clean of stuff she left behind, just like catzen, poetgrrl, my parents and I did with my ex's stuff when I moved out of our old apartment. What is it with people and leaving their shit behind? I find it obnoxious--the moving out and just leaving piles of crap for your former partner to deal with. I am guilty of forgetting a box or two in catzen's garage (and he inadvertently sent some boxes with me that are actually his), but nothing like I, ptor and catzen were formerly left with by others. And I know I am not the only one who has been left with boatloads of crap to sort through and deal with--I know lots of people this has happened to.

When a relationship ends and you move out, at least have the decency to take your crap with you.

Bleah.

My stomach still hurts from this morning's sickness. I was finally able to ingest food at 4pm and have had a meal, but I am still iffy feeling. Yick.

OK, time for bed and work tomorrow. ::sigh::