without cheese, life is sad

Lots going on here. We wrapped up the show Saturday night and it went well. The dancers were wonderful and while I wish we had had more people in the audience we had a decent crowd each night and they were appreciative. However, never again will I endeavor to run a show like that (in the city, no less) with a six week old. Too much. I am so burnt. I was frantic before the show trying to get everything done, then I had to be in the city for 5-6 hours each night for four nights, plus I had to drive there from here, which with traffic and rain took over an hour and half. ptor had to take off work early Wed-Friday in order to be home in time to be on Daddy duty and he got no break from work until I got home at midnight. It was rough, but we got through it. I am pleased that I managed to have enough pumped breastmilk for ptor to feed S. while I was gone and we didn't have to go the formula route. I need a break, but I still have to settle finances this week which is time-consuming and stess-inducing.

In other news, we ventured out yesterday and brought ourselves in to this century by buying a digital video camera--a low-end one, but way better than the old crufty 8mm one we currently have. Now we can take video of S. to send to ptor's family and my sister, who now lives almost as far east in the US as one could get.

As for cheese, I am currently without. In an attempt to fix S.'s colic and reflux problems I am on a dairy elimiation diet which sucks tacks through a bendy straw. Not only do I love cheese, I am also a vegetarian--my food choices are now quite limited (I am sure some veagns would disagree, but I am not a vegan and don't want to be. I like cheese). We are desperate for sleep and a baby who is not in pain, so it is well worth it. Things have improved with S., though we are unsure if it is the increased Zantac or my lack of dairy. Next week we will re-introduce dairy to my diet and see if things get worse or stay the same.

{posting interrupted by baby feeding, baby crankiness, trip to Trader Joe's and ensuing car unloading.)

Other stuff is going on here, mainly not so great health crap that continues for members of my birth family. ::sigh::

In my health news, I had my six week post-partum appointment last Wednesday and my doctor thought my incision was healing fine (which it is, it just hurts) and I was cleared for exercise. Of course she informed me that it was "time" to do the things I "need to do, like dieting and exercise." Um, yeah. I didn't mention dieting. I am not dieting. I am not trying to lose weight, nor do I even have any "baby weight" to lose as it is all gone already (I don't diet and didn't diet post-birth, I just lost weight). On the second mention of dieting ptor announced "We are anti-diet" at which she got somewhat flustered. Good. And what the hell is all this bullshit about dieting when I am exclusively breastfeeding? Dieting is one of the worst things I could be doing right now. Oh yeah, I forgot--I'm fat, therefore my normative state is to be dieting, no matter what. Gah. So annoyed and cranky. And don't even get me started on the breastfeeding book they gave me (from the American Academy of Pediatrics)--when addressing the extra calories breastfeeding women need they say "Don't worry. Those extra calories go to your baby's thighs, not yours!" Bleah. It sucks how much there is about weight loss in almost every breastfeeding publication I've seen. It is tiring and tiresome.

I am also annoyed at the idyllic picture of breastfeeding and infant care such publications present--it is all supposed to be precious and sweet and more fulfulling that anything else in our lives, ever. It's not. At least for me. It is frustrating and tiring and tedious at times. I love S., but breastfeeding has been rough on me and my body and I am not going to pretend otherwise. My body hurts from holding him and feeding him and carrying him and sitting so damned much.

OK, time to feed him again so I must go.