something I worry about
Jan. 8th, 2002 05:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cassidyroseI worry that there is nothing after death. I worry that perhaps once I die I am done, finished, over. I cease to be. Then I wonder why I worry because if there is really nothing more, then I won't know it once I am dead.
And I go 'round and 'round in this circular debate for hours on end. It used to be something which would throw me into states of panic. Fortunately, the marvels of modern medicine allow me to push this issue to the recesses of my brain (most of the time) so I can adequately function in life. However, sometimes I still worry.
I have decided I don't like the idea of ceasing to exist. I don't want to "not be" even if once I am not, I won't know it because I don't exist anymore. When I think about this, I start to mourn myself and my own eventual death. Then I feel like I must be terribly vain to mourn the loss of myself, and that makes me feel weird.
I won't even get started on what the prospect of other individual's deaths does to me. I can't think about people dying without getting extremely upset.
I want to believe that there is something beyond death for all of us, but sometimes I have a really difficult time believing. I am acutally sometimes scared of exploring my spirituality and magick further for fear that I will find that there is nothing beyond death. Weird, huh? I think I am mostly scared of finding out that what I feel to be true, and believe to be true, may not be so and perhaps I am somehow deluding myself into thinking there is more than there really is.
Well, enough musings on death for now.
And I go 'round and 'round in this circular debate for hours on end. It used to be something which would throw me into states of panic. Fortunately, the marvels of modern medicine allow me to push this issue to the recesses of my brain (most of the time) so I can adequately function in life. However, sometimes I still worry.
I have decided I don't like the idea of ceasing to exist. I don't want to "not be" even if once I am not, I won't know it because I don't exist anymore. When I think about this, I start to mourn myself and my own eventual death. Then I feel like I must be terribly vain to mourn the loss of myself, and that makes me feel weird.
I won't even get started on what the prospect of other individual's deaths does to me. I can't think about people dying without getting extremely upset.
I want to believe that there is something beyond death for all of us, but sometimes I have a really difficult time believing. I am acutally sometimes scared of exploring my spirituality and magick further for fear that I will find that there is nothing beyond death. Weird, huh? I think I am mostly scared of finding out that what I feel to be true, and believe to be true, may not be so and perhaps I am somehow deluding myself into thinking there is more than there really is.
Well, enough musings on death for now.
