cassidyrose: (light blur self)
I always knew I'd be worried about something bad happening to my children should I ever have them. Now that we have a child I certainly do worry about that. What I didn't expect was the horrifying panic, terror and saddness I get when something triggers a thought of me dying and S. no longer having a mom. I cannot explain how awful it feels--well, I assume the parents out there among you know what I am talking about. I sometimes even worry about somehow getting injured or sick and falling unconscious and S. being alone and terrified/hungry/hurting/injured himself until [ profile] ptor got home. One night I panicked so badly I woke [ profile] ptor up to remind him there was pumped milk in the freezer so if anything happened to me S. could at least have those last bits of breastmilk.

I don't mean to obsess over it and I don't mean to be morbid, but I have a tiny human, whom I love fiercely, completely dependent on me for survival and sometimes it is incredibly terrifying to have that level of responsibility and love.

I am trying to get to a place where I don't think "what if" so much of the time and where I don't get overwhelmed with panic. I don't want my anxiety to spill onto S. I also want to enjoy him and I do--I just wish these feelings were a bit less vivid.
cassidyrose: (small self)
Lots going on here. We wrapped up the show Saturday night and it went well. The dancers were wonderful and while I wish we had had more people in the audience we had a decent crowd each night and they were appreciative. However, never again will I endeavor to run a show like that (in the city, no less) with a six week old. Too much. I am so burnt. I was frantic before the show trying to get everything done, then I had to be in the city for 5-6 hours each night for four nights, plus I had to drive there from here, which with traffic and rain took over an hour and half. [ profile] ptor had to take off work early Wed-Friday in order to be home in time to be on Daddy duty and he got no break from work until I got home at midnight. It was rough, but we got through it. I am pleased that I managed to have enough pumped breastmilk for [ profile] ptor to feed S. while I was gone and we didn't have to go the formula route. I need a break, but I still have to settle finances this week which is time-consuming and stess-inducing.

In other news, we ventured out yesterday and brought ourselves in to this century by buying a digital video camera--a low-end one, but way better than the old crufty 8mm one we currently have. Now we can take video of S. to send to [ profile] ptor's family and my sister, who now lives almost as far east in the US as one could get.

As for cheese, I am currently without. In an attempt to fix S.'s colic and reflux problems I am on a dairy elimiation diet which sucks tacks through a bendy straw. Not only do I love cheese, I am also a vegetarian--my food choices are now quite limited (I am sure some veagns would disagree, but I am not a vegan and don't want to be. I like cheese). We are desperate for sleep and a baby who is not in pain, so it is well worth it. Things have improved with S., though we are unsure if it is the increased Zantac or my lack of dairy. Next week we will re-introduce dairy to my diet and see if things get worse or stay the same.

{posting interrupted by baby feeding, baby crankiness, trip to Trader Joe's and ensuing car unloading.)

Other stuff is going on here, mainly not so great health crap that continues for members of my birth family. ::sigh::

In my health news, I had my six week post-partum appointment last Wednesday and my doctor thought my incision was healing fine (which it is, it just hurts) and I was cleared for exercise. Of course she informed me that it was "time" to do the things I "need to do, like dieting and exercise." Um, yeah. I didn't mention dieting. I am not dieting. I am not trying to lose weight, nor do I even have any "baby weight" to lose as it is all gone already (I don't diet and didn't diet post-birth, I just lost weight). On the second mention of dieting [ profile] ptor announced "We are anti-diet" at which she got somewhat flustered. Good. And what the hell is all this bullshit about dieting when I am exclusively breastfeeding? Dieting is one of the worst things I could be doing right now. Oh yeah, I forgot--I'm fat, therefore my normative state is to be dieting, no matter what. Gah. So annoyed and cranky. And don't even get me started on the breastfeeding book they gave me (from the American Academy of Pediatrics)--when addressing the extra calories breastfeeding women need they say "Don't worry. Those extra calories go to your baby's thighs, not yours!" Bleah. It sucks how much there is about weight loss in almost every breastfeeding publication I've seen. It is tiring and tiresome.

I am also annoyed at the idyllic picture of breastfeeding and infant care such publications present--it is all supposed to be precious and sweet and more fulfulling that anything else in our lives, ever. It's not. At least for me. It is frustrating and tiring and tedious at times. I love S., but breastfeeding has been rough on me and my body and I am not going to pretend otherwise. My body hurts from holding him and feeding him and carrying him and sitting so damned much.

OK, time to feed him again so I must go.


Sep. 25th, 2006 06:13 pm
cassidyrose: (light blur self)
I now believe there is a special circle of hell that consists of nothing but colicky babies.
cassidyrose: (light blur self)
I will be talking to my doctor, but I'd like to know what you all have experienced.

For those of you who have had c-sections, how long did you have pain?

What was the level of this pain?

How long did your skin hurt in the area of the surgery (if it did at all--mine hurts a lot)?

When were you able to do your normal activities without being in pain?

How long did you have to take pain medication?

Any other input about c-section recovery would be appreciated (I realize now that [ profile] gremlin44 has given me a name of a book I need to check out).

Thank you for your help.


Sep. 16th, 2006 05:42 pm
cassidyrose: (light blur self)

I went off the narcotic pain meds this week because [ profile] ptor is going back to work on Monday and I have to be off the drugs in order to drive and I do not want to be home with S. alone and unable to drive. The pain (from the c-section) kept getting worse over the past couple of days until last night I had a meltdown while trying to nurse S. I was already nursing lying down as sitting put too much pressure on the incision and everything else related to the surgery but the contractions from nursing were making me nauseated on top of all the surgery-related pain. I felt like I was losing it completely and was crying and ready to crawl out of my skin. Luckily, we had some breastmilk in the refrigerator and [ profile] ptor finished the feeding with the bottle which helped. He also convinced me to take the damned drugs and that helped. So I am back on the pain meds and I will calling my doctor on Monday to see if what I am experiencing is normal.

I am so incredibly frustrated that the pain is so bad. It hurts to hold S. and to nurse and to do a million other things that I need and want to do. I don't like being in a narcotic haze and I already went throught the small withdrawal this week and don't look forward to doing it again. OTOH, I have to be able to function and feed S. It is not a great situation.

I am frustrated and cranky.

cassidyrose: (small self)

Next time you have a child be sure to arrange for maternity leave from all your jobs, not just the one that paid you. You should be using the time the baby sleeps to sleep, not work.




In other news...

We got out for many hours today and it was nice if a bit trying. My incision has been hurting and I had some weird pain while walking around the park today. Bleah. S. does very well out and about which is good for us, though I really wish he did so well sleeping at night. Very nice evening with Big Moves folks even if I did spend most of it with a baby hanging off my boob. My back and arms are killing me.

Not much else and a whole lot else going on. It is all a blur. We're tired and run down. I've watched more bad TV in the past couple of weeks than I care to admit--of course what else am I going to do while chained to a chair nursing so many hours a day?

I seriously need to get outside tomorrow and pick some tomatoes.

And proving she is still our cat-baby, here's how I found Harlie sleeping this morning:
091006 019
[ profile] ptor had fallen asleep on the couch after we got up very early in the morning for a diaper change and feed and I left him there. Harlie apparently took her opportunity to claim her cat-daddy for herself.


Aug. 27th, 2006 06:11 pm
cassidyrose: (looking over shoulder)
Just a quick post to say we are home from the hospital--all three of us. Sebastian (our new baby!) is doing great, just a little jaundiced. Having a baby in a special care nursery is tough. I will say that. It was extra-tough dealing with it on literally no sleep for over three days while going through major surgery recovery. Full story on all that (graciously provided by [ profile] catzen and [ profile] ptor) over on [ profile] baby_fly--I will be posting the birth story and post-partum story there as well soon-ish.

Thank you all for your kind words, prayers and well-wishes. I couldn't see them while I was in the hospital, but [ profile] ptor and [ profile] catzen have kept me updated. We are so grateful to have so many caring, wonderful friends.

I cannot describe how happy we are to have such a beautiful, wonderful and healthy baby. He is sitting with his daddy now in the living room so I am getting a tiny break from being the mommy-pillow and milk machine. [ profile] ptor has been absolutely wonderful--words cannot describe. And [ profile] catzen has been such a good baby uncle and cat uncle and Sebastian's Nana has been such a help (my mom), giving [ profile] ptor some much needed breaks. I wish I could write more eloquently now, but I am functioning on literally less than ten hours of sleep total since Tuesday and I am on pain meds, for which I will be eternally grateful.

Needless to say, nothing went as planned, even marginally so. Our doula was invaluable and [ profile] ptor was incredible through it all. I essentially got two labors for the price of one--14 hours of pitocin-induced contractions, which while incredibly painful in the last many hours sadly did not do much of anything to get Sebsatian out of me. I was quite the hot topic at the hospital--the nurses couldn't believe I labored that long like that (pitocin-induced) without any pain meds. Then 26 hours after my water broke I got a c-section. Fortunatley, I did not have to go under general to have the c-section--they were able to do it with a spinal, but it is still a pretty gnarly surgery. Then, 24 hours after birth, our baby was showing signs of possible infection and had to be transfered to the Special Care Nursery for three days and had to have so many blood draws I couldn't keep track, a spinal tap and an IV which eventually had to be put in a vein in his head.

It has been a rough four days.

I know this is an incredibly diffuse post. More coherent ones to come, I promise. Right now I will going about the strange business of figuring out all this mom-business.

[ profile] ptor posted a few pictures the other day here. The thing on his head is just the IV--it was far less dramatic than it looks. I have many IV-less pictures, but those won't be up for a at least a few more hours.

OK. Almost time to feed baby S again.


cassidyrose: (Default)

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